TOURIST SEASON
(Humorous Commentary)
by Mark Chryson
Mat-Su, Alaska
Jan. 22, 2001

Alaska State Tourist Season and Bag Limits 1300.1 General for the Kenai Peninsula Area:

1. Any person with a Valid Alaska Drivers? license may harvest tourist.
2. Taking of Tourist with traps or deadfall is permitted. The use of Smoked Salmon, genuine Alaskan Moose Terd Jewelry or Genuine Coho Salmon Flies is prohibited.
3. Killing of Tourist with a vehicle is prohibited. If Accidentally struck, remove dead Tourist to roadside and proceed to the nearest Car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest Tourist from a snow machine, four wheeler, helicopter or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "FREE GUIDED FISHING TOURS" or "FREE RV PARKING HERE" for the purpose of trapping Tourists.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt Tourist within 100 yards of the Kenai River, Deep Creek, Crooked Creek or the Homer Spit.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt Tourists within 200 yards of RV Parks, Fred Meyers, K-Mart, Wal-Mart or any road where Dall sheep may be present on nearby cliffs.
8. Stuffed or Mounted Tourist must have an Alaska State Health Department inspection for fleas, lice, or hidden Travelers Checks. (Search for Travelers Checks may be done prior to stuffing).
9. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a Kenai River Guide, Halibut Guide, T-Shirt salesman or Genuine Alaskan Moose Terd Jewelry salesman for the purpose of hunting Tourist.
10. If a Tourist applies for Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend, DISREGARD items 1-9.

Bag Limits:

1. Traffic Stopper 4 per occurrence
2. Motor home driven boat puller 2 per mile
3. Lost and looking for Homer 1 per day
4. Caught a bigger fish than you 1 per day
5. Camp ground hog 2 per weekend
6. Polite Tourist EXTINCT
7. Red Snagger NO LIMIT
8. Applied for PFD NO LIMIT
9. Bear spray-packing hiker DO NOT HUNT, Local Bear population needs the food.

For further information and instructions on how to bag a Tourist, call the local office of the Alaska Fish, Game and Tourist Department. Recipes available upon request. Call 1-800-SHMUCKS

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